Case File 119 with Niko

Darken your eyeshadow and your souls, because this week on Thought Cops we’re joined by everybody’s favorite resident goth gamer girl, Niko.

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niko on episode 119 of thought cops

Field Notes

If you’re not tired of us beating a dead horse by constantly deconstructing the increasing monopolistic stranglehold on audiovisual internet content by Youtube, you’re in luck. Because this week Steven Crowder, aka “The Brain” from the Gay Rat Wedding Show on PBS goes head to head with Vox commentator Carlos Maza in who can use the most homophobic slurs and get their Youtube channel completely demonetized. You’ll never guess who wins. If we never have to talk about the Youtube adpocalypse or “Voxadpocalypse” again, I’ll stop drinking and clean up my act.

This episode we also plan our trip to Boston to celebrate Straight Pride, and we invent a new game for the parade that’s kind of like the Mark Wahlberg version of pin the tail on the donkey. We also make fun of how the McElroy brothers look, women who put their middle name as their last name on Facebook, and too many stairs.

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Episode produced by Commissioner Zwick

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Case File 118 with Allan of Not for Human Consumption and Lisa of Garbage and Gold

Grab an antacid and loosen your belt, it’s episode 118 of Thought Cops! This week we’re joined once again by the Porklift himself, Allan of Not for Human Consumption, and new guest Lisa of the Garbage and Gold podcast. Both humiliatingly lost to Officer Grant in the horrifying display of humanity that was The 1st Annual NFHC Podcast Super Pizza Roll Championship Turbo Edition. Video below:

 

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pizza roll eating malort drinking Officer Grant defeats Lisa and Allan in battle on episode 118 of Thought Cops

Show Notes

Attention all #boymoms out there, make sure your kid isn’t jelqing. It’ll fuck up his dick, and then he’ll have to have massive incel reconstructive surgery because otherwise nobody will fuck him. Want California to float off into the ocean? Be the change you want to see in the world. Has all this “this okay sign is a white supremacist symbol” stuff gone on long enough? Two Chicago area high schools say: hahahaha fuck you bitches WE’RE NOT YET. Maybe this trend will be over as soon as George R.R. Martin finishes writing his goddamn books.

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Case File 117 with Kris Wilson of Cyanide & Happiness and Explosm

Pop a capsule and smash that play button, it’s your weekly episode of Thought Cops, with special guest Kris Wilson of Cyanide & Happiness and Explosm.net.

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Kris Wilson on episode 117 of Thought Cops

Show Notes

We’ve got a lot of paperwork to get through this episode. Alabama bans an episode of a children’s cartoon. Fucking SJWs. Game of Thrones leaves a water bottle on set. Apparently the crew cares just about as much as I do. Robert Pattinson is playing Batman, but hopefully we can get Kristen Stewart to play Catwoman and Taylor Lautner to play Joker. Everybody sign your change.org petitions. People I didn’t know existed, the Krassenstein brothers, get banned from Twitter, and get forced to move back into their parent’s house and sleep in their old bunk beds.

Speaking of online idiots getting too involved in politics, Youtubers need to stop running for public office, before we all really do end up living in a honk honk clown world. In other news, reply guys are taking over the internet, so load up your green squirt guns and barricade yourself in your house for protection.*****

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Episode produced by Commissioner Zwick

*****footnote: this is not a death threat

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Case File 116 with Hard Men Working Hard

Good day. This week on the beat we’re joined by the Hard Men Working Hard, Lakembra, Sam, and Aciou/Vistas. You can listen to them on Soundcloud, Youtube, Patreon, and their Bandcamp. Also check out their monthly podcast Filler Content, which is in basically all those links I just put.

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Hard Men Working Hard on Thought Cops episode 116

Show Notes

This week in honk honk clown world, we enter the dawn of a new culture war as Mr. Ratburn from somehow still-running PBS children’s show Arthur gets gay married. It’s as Karl Marx said in the Cultural Marxist Manifesto: “get together and make things better, by working together.” If you don’t think that’s bad, wait until you hear how despondent everyone becomes when we somehow end up talking about a Youtube makeup artist named James Charles. Maybe Uber is right in creating a quiet button for their drivers, except instead of only working in their cars, they silence everyone and everything.

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Case File 115 with Ari Grabb

Bananagram! This week on the beat we’re joined by Ari Grabb, creator of Bento Banana, as well as a whole youtube channel full of great content.

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Ari Grabb's cartoon Bento Banana busts through an episode of Thought Cops

Show Notes

This episode, we toss Facebook gore posts, Sonic the Hedgehog (again), Smash Bros meme stages, and “_______ shit particles on it” into the paddy wagon and beat the shit out of them. We also kick a Cubs owner out of Wrigley Field for being a white supremacist, we run all over Nick DiPaolo’s lawn and stomp on his daylillies, and try and save the economy by never eating at Burger King or Starbucks ever fucking again.

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Episode produced by Commissioner Zwick.

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Fire Bros: Book 10

Download Episode 10 of Fire Bros HERE!

Welcome to Book 10 of Fire Bros, the Thought Cops monthly bonus episodes! This month, we’re talking about Beat Cop, Escape from New York, Blade Runner 2049, and Roma. If you have any suggestions for next episode, drop em below! Thanks for listening, and thanks for supporting the show.

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Case File 114 with Deputy Sancho

Here you are, crawling back for more. Go ahead, have another episode of Thought Cops. Deputy Sancho joins us this week, after all.

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Show Notes

Like a phoenix, he has risen from the ashes. That’s right, that horrible live-action Sonic that everyone hates is getting a redesign thanks to your complaining. Alex Jones gets kicked off of facebook, severing his last line of broadcasting to the masses: your conservative aunt’s profile page. We also talk about blue text bubble vs green text bubble class warfare, radical politicians, and the confusing conundrum that is the Star Wars movie franchise.

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Don’t forget to donate to Sancho’s charity walk for NAMI. It’s for a good cause.

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Episode produced by Commissioner Zwick.

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Case File 113 with Bontrager

Bon jour! This week we’re joined by Chicago comedian Bontrager.

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Thumbnail for episode 113 of Thought Cops featuring Bontrager

Show Notes

Officer Kevin is finally back from Japan, and the squad car is hitting the streets hard. We take out the “honk honk, clown world” bullshit, people instagramming movies, and the poor souls in this world who are the only people on the entire planet who have never seen Game of Thrones.

We cover this ridiculous tweet from a musicologist, LGBT representation in Marvel movies, internet streamer Etika gets swatted, and Charles Martinet clarifies just exactly what Mario says as he perpetrates a hate crime against Bowser.

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Episode produced by Commissioner Zwick.

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Thought Cops: Case File 112

Konnichiwa! You’re tuning into Thought Cops radio scanner channel 69.6. Officer Kevin is currently radioing into the show in the middle of an undercover reconnaissance mission in Neo-Toyko 3 to investigate the horrors that video games are plaguing upon the public discourse this week.

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Thumbnail for episode 112 of Thought Cops, from Chicago to Japan

Show Notes

Make sure to buy tickets for the Boomer vs. Zoomer tour if you’ll be in Chicago on August 22nd, featuring former guests of Thought Cops Asterios Kokkinos, Mumkey Jones, and Sriracha. We’ll be opening for them. Get your tickets now!

Like we mentioned, Officer Kevin had to go to Japan this week after Nintendo was found to be using disability slurs in a video game’s song. In retaliation, we destroy a young gaming journalist’s career. We also go across the pond to France, because people won’t stop sharing vacation pictures on social media after a church burned down. So we had to go in and burn all the social media company headquarters down. That’s at least one of the reasons why Reddit isn’t working today.

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Episode produced by Commissioner Zwick.

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Case File 111 with Lars and Joe of The First Podcast

This week on Thought Cops we’re joined by Lars and Joe of The First Podcast. We were also on an episode of theirs that has yet to come out, but in the meantime check out the Officer Grant solo episode.

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Thought Cops Thumbnail featuring Lars and Joe of The First Podcast

Show Notes

IF YOU’RE IN OR AROUND CHICAGO AUGUST 22ND, make sure to buy tickets for the Boomer vs. Zoomer tour, featuring former guests of Thought Cops Asterios Kokkinos, Mumkey Jones, and Sriracha. We’ll be opening for them. Get your tickets now!

We’ve also got a beef with Tinder trying to pull an April Fool’s Day joke IN FUCKING MARCH. Hope nothing in TINDER headquarters is FLAMMABLE, if you know what I mean.

This episode we also poke holes in the problematic “consent condoms,” and discover that despite his clear disdain for humanity by plaguing humanity with terrible comics, Nathan Pyle is somehow “pro-life.” Turns out I’m technically “pro-choice” now, because I’ll terminate my own life if he keeps making comics.

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Episode produced by Commissioner Zwick.

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