Case File 4

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Welcome to episode 4 of Thought Cops. Or, if you’re George Lucas, episode 1. On this episode, we talk about the most important issue facing today’s youth: what gender Garfield is. The answer may shock you.

We also uncover a secret, clandestine fact that’s been hidden from us for decades: that people still give a fuck about Garfield. I should really move on from this, but I seriously can’t get over it. If you’re getting in “Wikipedia Wars” over the gender of the world’s lamest, unfunniest, piece of shit cartoon cat, here’s a link that might help you.

I’m getting ahead of myself though. Before we begin to say anything about Garfield, I talk about my first undercover mission I went on as a Thought Cop. It revolves around the #deleteuber movement from a few weeks ago, and finding out exactly what would motivate a group of people to want to delete their Uber apps off their phones. Here’s a hint: they have absolutely no idea why. Yet that doesn’t seem to change much of anything. Far be it from me to tell people what to think, how to feel, and what to do, but all I can ask of humanity is to actually learn about things before they decide to form an opinion around it. Otherwise, you kind of start to sound like an idiot.

In this episode we also investigate issues such as when is it okay to show underboob if you’re a feminist, when is it okay for a third grade teacher to call for the deaths of immigrants, and when is it okay to put your feet on the White House sofa. The answer for all of them, shockingly, is never. Glad we could get that out of the way. Now we don’t have to talk about those things anymore.

We also spend a bit of time talking about Casey Affleck winning a statue at a ceremony. I don’t know what the correct answer is, in the whirlwind of controversy surrounding past sexual harassment allegations, but this is just a quick reminder that we’re Thought Cops, not Actual Cops. So that remains mostly outside our jurisdiction. There may be a point to all the hate he’s getting, or there might not be. We really don’t know. That’s okay though, because that’s not for us to decide. Because we’re not the judges, juries, and executioners: that’s you guys who are listening.

To round it out, we put out a warrant for the arrest of Milo Yiannopoulos, since he escaped before he could be sentenced for his thought crime. If you find Milo, dead or alive, the reward is 10 rare green frogs. I’m sure someone out there will understand.

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